


There is No Armour

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: F/M, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-03-26
Updated: 1999-03-26
Packaged: 2018-11-10 14:44:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11128980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: What happens to Ray and Fraser when their relationship ends and how do they deal with it





	There is No Armour

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

from the Canadian author Carol Shields and her book Happenstance

This is the 1999 rewritten version of a story that I first posted in 1997.

Many thanks to Mrs Fish for allowing me to use a line from her story Consequences of Your Actions (it's in paragraph four). BTW, the title is borrowed from a Howard Spring novel of the same name. Canadian author Carol Shields and her book Happenstance inspired the layout. 

Contains original character who belongs solely to me.

Rated NC-17 for m/m and m/f sex 

Comments welcome at 

mullum@tig.com.au

 

****

THERE IS NO ARMOUR

__

by Carol Trendall 

 

PROLOGUE

MEG'S STORY 

"So, you're transfer has been approved, Constable. I've already arranged your replacement and he'll be here by Friday. You can leave after a handover." Inspector Thatcher's terse voice softened as she continued, "I don't suppose you've changed your mind about telling me the reason for your request for urgent transfer?" 

"No, Sir," Constable Benton Fraser said calmly, looking at a spot somewhere behind her head.

"Very well, Constable. I'm sorry to lose you."

"Thank you kindly, Sir," he replied, without emotion, then nodded and moved away to his office. 

Meg Thatcher smiled sadly at his retreating back. She wanted to tell him she had noticed he no longer wore the wedding ring he had sported for the last month or so. She also wanted to tell him she had figured out what happened, but most of all she wanted to tell him he was better off without Detective Ray Vecchio. 

A week later Constable Benton Fraser left Chicago as he had arrived alone with his belonging in his backpack and Diefenbaker at his side. 

 

BEN'S STORY 

Fraser stared out the window of the plane as it left the city he had called home for nearly two years. The city probably wouldn't notice he'd left, he thought somewhat bitterly. Ray certainly wouldn't care. For the hundredth, maybe thousandth time Fraser relived the events he wanted so much to forget... 

It was all because of the commitment ceremony. Ray had agreed to the ceremony readily enough, seemingly eager to show Fraser how much he loved him, but it hadn't taken much to change that. On Ray's first day at work Elaine had noticed Ray's shiny new wedding ring within five minutes of his walking in the door. That, of course, led to Ray doing a lot more explaining than he had wanted to, which in turn lead to Ray doing a lot more thinking than he should. Fraser was surprised that night when Ray came home drunk, very drunk, 

"You and your damned commitment ceremony! It shoulda never happened. We shoulda never happened Fraser. It was a mistake. It's taken me this long to realise it. The only reason I fucked you that first time was because I was so damned glad you were alive. You're my friend Benny, nothin' more." Ray's words had shocked Fraser and his own response had been bitter, very bitter. 

"Did you ever love me, Ray, or did you just enjoy having your cock sucked every night?" 

It had been that easy to end it. That night Fraser left the apartment he and Ray had shared for six months and moved into a cheap hotel near the Consulate. They had barely spoken since that night. Ray was too angry and Fraser was too hurt and it seemed there was nothing to say anyway. For several agonising weeks Fraser lived with the hope that Ray would realise the mistake he had made and would one day appear in his office, full of regret and asking him to come home. He'd even imagined the whispered apologies, the hot kisses, and the lovemaking. 

When he finally accepted Ray would not come for him, Fraser applied for an urgent transfer back to the Territories. There was no use prolonging his pain and Chicago was no longer his home, he needed to be somewhere he belonged. 

Fraser sighed heavily, feeling a physical ache at his memories. Reaching into his pocket he drew out the wedding ring he had stopped wearing the day he applied for his transfer, the day he finally admitted it was over. The inscription read, 'BF my love forever RV'. Tears pricked at Fraser's eyes and he clutched the band tightly in his fist. After a while he replaced the ring in his pocket and let numbness spread over him. He stayed numb for the rest of the trip, mostly unaware of the succession of planes and buses that were carrying him north, taking him home. 

 

 

The heaviness in Fraser's heart lifted slightly as the bus pulled up in the main street of Moose Jaw. He was glad to be home. He could see that Diefenbaker, too, was excited by the familiar scents. He took a lungful of air as he stepped from the bus and scanned the street, looking for the face of the old friend who was coming to meet them. 

Eventually he saw the leg of a Mountie uniform getting out of a Toyota Landcruiser and he headed towards it, Dief bounding in front of him. As they approached, the rest of the Mountie emerged from the vehicle, eyes sweeping the street. Those same eyes lit up when they saw Fraser and Diefenbaker. Within seconds the compact frame of Constable Catherine Madden was across the street and in Fraser's arms. 

She hugged him tightly, raining kisses on his face, then dropped to her knees to hug Diefenbaker. 

"It's good to see you, Ben," the tiny woman exclaimed, on her feet again and wriggling into his arms 

"Oh Cat, it's good to see you too." Fraser tightened his embrace and held her for a long time. She settled her head onto his chest and he sighed deeply, until that moment unaware of how long it had been since anyone had held him. Eventually he released her. 

"You needed that, huh?" she asked. 

Fraser nodded mutely and with a final muss of his hair she grinned and drew him towards her vehicle.

"Let's get you home and then you can tell me all about it." 

He stopped and pulled her around to face him. "I'm only staying until I rebuild the cabin." 

"Fraser, stay as long as you need to, my home is your home, you should know that by now." She steered him towards the car, with Diefenbaker frolicking in front of them. 

 

Fraser had met Cathy Madden 15 years earlier, when they were both freshly trained Mounties. Although they had done their RCMP training at the same time, they didn't really know each other. Fraser Snr had worked with Cathy on many occasions, but Ben never had. 

It was a kitten that caused their friendship, a kitten far too young to be away from its mother. Unable to locate the mother, Fraser asked his Sergeant for advice. The Sergeant had suggested he take the kitten to Constable Cathy Madden because she was a wildlife carer who took in injured and orphaned animals. He assured the young Fraser that she would be able to help. At the end of his shift, feeling pleased with himself, Fraser had zipped the kitten into the front of his jacket and drove the 50 miles out to Cathy Madden's large house in Riverhurst. To his delight she had been excited. 

"I normally only take wildlife, but I'm a sucker for cats, I love them." And with those words she had plunged her hands into the front of Fraser's jacket, hands scrabbling against his chest until the kitten was in her grasp. He had been shocked and excited by the unexpected touch. She invited him to stay for dinner and he accepted eagerly. During the course of the evening she told him how her parents were both zoologists and she had grown up surrounded by animals. Caring for injured wildlife had been a natural progression. She showed him some of the animals she was caring for and somewhere between a loon with one leg and a snow goose with a broken wing, Fraser fell in love. They made love that night and many, many nights after. 

Watching Cathy with the kitten and then later as she nuzzled against his body, Fraser was struck by how feline her movements were. She said it was because she had been a cat in a previous life. From then on he called her Cat, and she approved, purring into his ear as they lay naked together each night. Cat was Ben's first lover, something she found unbelievable. She had teased him and said she had a lot to teach him and he said she would be surprised at what a quick learner he was. And she was. 

During their time together, Cat taught Ben a lot more than the mechanics of sex. She also taught him how to love. It was this lesson that enabled him, many years later, to find love with a tough Chicago cop. 

Ben and Cat's love affair lasted a year, until their differing needs forced them apart. Fraser took his hurt to the remotest parts of the Territories and he did not speak to Cat for a long time. Eventually she was the one to contact him. She called to tell him the kitten they had named Laura, for no particular reason, was having kittens of her own. Fraser rushed to be there and they wept and laughed together as Laura produced four perfect babies. By this time the pain of their separation had eased and the reason was long forgotten. They were able to admit they missed each other and still wanted to be a part of each other's lives. They knew they shared something special. Both of them acknowledged that a relationship in the conventional sense would not work, but love, respect and many shared experiences bound them together in a way that rose above convention. It was this bond that kept them close friends and occasional lovers for 15 years. 

Over the years Fraser had stopped wondering about Cat's seeming lack of need for a permanent relationship. To him she seemed perfectly at peace, her time well occupied with a job she loved and a constant stream of sick and injured animals. Her rambling house was always full of love and happiness and Laura's ever increasing offspring. She seemed to have no need for anything else. She had lovers, of course, more lovers than he cared to think about, but she was always there for him and she became a safe haven for him. A place to go when he needed answers. 

Cat told Fraser their closeness was because they knew each other from a previous life. Fraser wasn't sure if he believed this, but had to admit she knew too many things intuitively and eventually he had stopped asking how. 

People who knew them thought they were both a little crazy, and maybe they were, but Cat was always the one person Fraser cold rely on. Her love for him was unconditional and she always gave him what he needed to help him through his current crisis. He had seen it many times over the span of their friendship. It was to Cat that Fraser went, racked with guilt, when he arrested Victoria Metcalfe, despite his love for her. 

After hearing his story she said, in her no-nonsense way. "Don't confuse love with exploding sub-atomic particles in the sky. " 

He had laughed and replied, "I should know better than to ask the daughter of two scientists." 

It was to Cat he went, many years later, with the wolf with the broken eardrum who had saved his life. 

"It's a sign Ben, you're meant to be together," she had said and by then he knew better than to question her knowledge. 

It was to Cat he went, much later, when his father was killed. She held him as he cried all night. 

It was to Cat he had gone the first time he had been attracted to another man. 

"There is no armour against love, Ben. Don't think straight or gay, just love them," she had said and from then on he loved both men and women with equal passion. 

Then he met Ray. It was to Ray he went when Victoria broke his heart and put his future in jeopardy. Then he loved Ray. 

Now, it was to Cat that Fraser went when Ray broke his heart. 

 

Once home, Cat helped Fraser take his bags to her room. There was no need for discussion about sleeping arrangements. The only time Fraser did not share Cat's bed was when someone else did. 

In the comfortably familiar room, Fraser began to unpack as Cat shed her uniform, revealing a lilac lace teddy underneath. He smiled at the sight. She had always dressed every day as if at the end of it she would be undressing for a lover. That she still did it made him feel strangely comforted and reassured. He sat on the edge of the bed, watching as she pulled clothes from her closet.

"Well Fraser," she said, stepping into worn jeans, "let's hear it". 

He smiled at her innocently wondering, as always, why he thought he could hide things from her.

"C'mon Fraser, I know you better than that." She frowned at him as she pulled an old RCMP sweatshirt over her head. "I've spoken to you, what, 6 times since you went to Chicago? Which, by the way, is something I'll yell at you for later. Next thing, you tell me you've applied for an urgent transfer and now you turn up looking skinny as a rake and looking like you haven't slept in a week." She rested her hands on her hips and waited for his answer.

Ben stared at the dynamo standing over him, recognising her determined body language. He knew he had to tell her. Rubbing a hand over his face he began. 

"Oh Cat." He sighed a world-weary sigh. "It's a long story."

She watched him for a while, an expression on her face that Fraser could not decipher. 

"It's that bitch again, isn't it?" she demanded, suddenly angry. "I told you 10 years ago and I told you again when she came back last year ...."

Fraser held up his hands effectively stopping her rant, as he realised what worried his friend. 

"This has nothing to do with Victoria." 

Cat's shoulders dropped and her hands fell from her hips. Fraser knew she hated Victoria Metcalfe, she had always said she was evil. And she had been right.

Fraser looked at his feet, struggling to find the words he needed. His eyes filled with tears and his voice wouldn't work. He had done enough holding back and now it was time to let go. He was safe. 

Cat moved to sit beside him, sliding her arms around his shoulders. The simple gesture undid him. Emotions he had managed to keep under control for the last month bubbled suddenly to the surface. The ferocity of his grief scared them both. Fraser curled into an almost foetal position against the warmth of Cat's body, the physical contact providing much needed comfort. He wept for a long time, allowing himself to submit to the pain, as he never had before. 

Fraser did not know how long he had sat curled against his friend, but finally he got to his feet and crossed the room to a windowseat, where he sat, resting his forearms on his knees and looking at the floor. 

"I'm in love with someone who doesn't ever want to see me again," he said in a low, harsh voice. 

"Why?" 

"It's ...... complicated, Cat." He looked up, meeting her unnerving gaze. "Things got in the way ... family, friends ... some people didn't think we should be together." 

"This person ... you're not talking about a woman are you Ben?" 

"No." The word was forced out on a breath as he stood and began to pace. "No, I'm not." 

"Now I understand." 

"But there's something else." He fished in the pocket of his jeans for his wedding ring. 

She took it from him and read the inscription. "You got married? Is that legal in Chicago?" She handed the ring back, an unreadable expression on her face.

"The legalities didn't matter to us. It was a commitment ceremony, sort of a public statement. The service was performed in a church, that was important to Ray." The memory brought a smile to his stricken face 

"Wait, are you saying 'RV', is Ray Vecchio?" she asked, incredulous. 

He smiled at her, enjoying the surprise on her face. "Why, Cat, I thought nothing could shock you?" 

"Jesus, Ben, how did that happen? I mean, from what you've told me about this guy, I would hardly have picked him for the marrying kind, much less the man-marrying kind. I didn't even know you were interested in him". 

He smiled broadly, precious memories flooding into his thoughts. "Neither did I, at first. One day I just realised I was in love with him. It was as simple as that." 

She shook her head and smiled. "By now I shouldn't be surprised at anything you do, Benton Fraser. Now tell why this man, who needs his head examined by the way, doesn't want to see you again?" 

Fraser squared his shoulders before sitting down again. He sighed and began his story. He told her everything; the fire, Ray's family, their apartment and finally, how it ended. He was shaking by the time he finished, the pain of it still too new. 

"I'm sorry, Ben, I don't know what to say." 

He sat back against the window and took a deep breath. "There's nothing to say. I just need time. That's why I came back. Ray made Chicago seem bearable but without him it seems ... empty. At least here I can rebuild the cabin and get on with my life." 

"Did you talk to Ray before you left?" 

"No, Cat, there was nothing to say. Ray made his feelings, or lack of them, perfectly clear....." 

"But he was drunk, Ben! For gods sakes, you can't believe this man who declared his love for you at great personal risk and in the most public way, would just change his mind about how he feels in one night?"

Fraser heard the frustration in her voice. They had had conversations like this before. 

His response was bitter. "Sometimes alcohol makes people say things they wouldn't normally have the courage to say."

"Oh please!" She rolled her eyes. "He said he loved you, Ben. What do you suppose made him say that?"

Cat's mocking tone made him defensive. "I waited weeks for Ray to come to me and he didn't. I'm not wasting any more energy on something I can't change, no matter how much I want it. He's a detective, he'll find me if he wants to." His voice was agitated and strained by the time he finished.

She hugged him quickly and then said, "It's OK, I understand, Ben." She changed the subject. "You haven't told me about the commitment ceremony, would you prefer not to talk about it yet?" 

This brought the smile back to his face. "I'll tell you about it, it was the best day of my life."

He took a seat by the window again and began to tell her every detail. He told her about the support from the church and the Pastor, he told her about the words they had said to each other and how they shared a meal with some people from the church afterwards. He told her how they moved his possessions to the new apartment they had chosen as their home. He told her how they toyed with the idea of staying in a hotel, but somehow it seemed more important to spend the night in their new how. A rush of warmth filled Fraser as he remembered that night ... 

"I've never seen you look so happy, Ray," he said as they entered the apartment, they place they would live together. 

"I've never been this happy, Benny. I didn't know I could be this happy." Ray moved closer and slipped his arms around Fraser's waist. "In fact this is the best thing I've ever done." 

"Me too," Fraser agreed, returning Ray's embrace. 

He began to nuzzle his lover's neck and Ray moaned softly, moving his hands up Fraser's back. They broke their embrace momentarily and hurriedly shed their jackets and shoes. In one swift movement Fraser pinned Ray against the wall and began undoing his pants. He kissed Ray's throat and pushed his pants to the floor. 

"Oh god, Benny," Ray murmured, pulling Fraser's shirt free of his trousers so he could get to the skin underneath. 

Ray fumbled with Fraser's clothes and managed to get the shirt undone and off his shoulders before kissing Fraser's smooth chest, causing him to throw his head back in ecstasy. Fraser was still fumbling with the buttons on Ray's shirt, eager to feel his skin. In frustration he grabbed the shirt and ripped it open, sending buttons flying. 

"That's a new shirt, Benny," Ray grinned as Fraser captured a nipple between his teeth 

"I'll get you a new one," Fraser whispered and then silenced Ray with his mouth. 

Fraser couldn't remember who had pulled who into the bedroom or how they got the rest of their clothing off. All he could remember was the smell and feel of Ray as they made love over and over. 

Just as the thoughts were threatening to overcome him he heard Cat's voice, as if from a distance. 

"Ben, it's late. I think you should get some sleep." 

"Yes," He rubbed his eyes. "Yes, you're right." 

"I'll feed the cats and then I'll be up soon." 

 

He sat for a moment after Cat had left the room. His heart still pounded from the memory of Ray and he began to feel like he was losing control. In an attempt to clear his head, he headed to the bathroom, hoping a shower would wash away the feeling on Ray's hands on his body. But nothing seemed to help. It was easier as he got into bed a little later. Cat's room held so many other memories for him and he concentrated on those instead. 

Fraser was drowsy when Cat joined him in bed and in no time he was curled, spoon-fashion, around his small friend. He breathed a long, deep sigh and relaxed, trying not to think anymore. Cat wriggled against him and a stirring in his groin startled him into sudden wakefulness. A hot flush travelled the length of his body and Cat turned in his arms, sensing the change. 

Their lips met in a comforting kiss and from somewhere deep within him came a rush of passion and need that took them both by surprise. Fraser tangled his hands in Cat's hair and plunged his tongue into her mouth. When the kiss ended they were both flushed and panting. Without a word Cat lifted her t-shirt over her head and pulled Fraser to her. His need was too great to resist. 

He ran his hands over the familiar curves of her body, so unlike the body he had last held like this. Cat reached for his hand and guided it to the moist softness between her legs before reaching down and encircling his straining erection with her delicate fingers. Fraser looked into her eyes as he touched her and a soft moan came from one or both of them, he couldn't tell. 

His head spun as he rose to his knees over Cat. She guided his cock into her warmth and he slid inside in one long stroke. She thrust against him urgently and their rhythm grew quickly to fever pitch. Fraser heard Cat's gasp and felt her body stiffen. The suddenness of her orgasm caught them both off guard and Fraser's breath caught in his throat. He thrust against her a final time and came, releasing weeks of stored emotion in a loud cry. 

His head was full of noise and it seemed a long time before he was aware of anything except his breathing. Eventually he collapsed onto the bed and pulled Cat to his chest, trapping her against his body. He started to sob and Cat held him, stroking his hair until the convulsions in his body subsided. 

His heart filled with love for his friend who, once again, gave him a safe place to heal his hurt. Finally he fell asleep. Later Fraser would remember it as one of the most peaceful nights he had ever spent. 

 

A few days later Fraser was back at work, happy to be on active duty again. He took whatever shifts were offered, without complaint, and often worked 16 hour days, pleased to be busy and pleased that his mind was occupied with something other than Ray. This was the only was he knew to deal with his hurt and he made sure his time was fully occupied. 

When he wasn't on duty, Fraser spent his time working on rebuilding his father's cabin. Eric and his family had come out in full force and were gratefully pressed into service removing the remains of the old cabin and clearing a larger site for the new one. 

As the days stretched into weeks, Fraser's vision for the cabin began to emerge. With the help of a local builder, plans were drawn up for a larger and more improved house. When he showed these plans to Cat she asked him whom he intended to share such a large house with. Although he denied adamantly, a part of him was rebuilding the cabin with Ray's needs in mind. 

As the weeks stretched into months, the cabin began to grow and Fraser worked hard to have it finished by Christmas. He worked from sun up to sundown with Eric and his family to get the roof on before the snows came. The snows came early and Fraser shifted his goals, planning to have at least the painting finished. In the final week before Christmas he did just that and he was weary but elated as he drove home to Cat's house. He walked through the front door as the sun slipped behind the hills. 

"Hi Cat!" He called from the service porch where he removed his outdoor clothes. 

"Hi Ben," she called back. "Have you finished?" 

His smile said it all as he joined his friend in the living room. Cat was on the floor, filling the slow-combustion stove with logs. 

"I can't wait to see the cabin," she said, getting to her feet and stepping towards her friend. 

"We can take a drive over tonight if you like. The electricity is connected," he offered, eager to share his project with someone 

"I can't, I have to work. Someone called in sick and I said I'd do the night shift." 

"Maybe on the weekend?" he suggested, heading for the kitchen for something to eat. 

"That would be great." 

 

A little later Fraser was rummaging in the fridge when a knock sounded at the door. 

"I'll go," he heard Cat yell from the living room. He figured it was probably someone with injured wildlife, he was used to people appearing unannounced bearing some tiny animal. He continued his search for food pulling items from the refrigerator and placing them on the counter, half listening to Cat as she answered the door.

"Hi." He heard the smile in his friend's voice, followed by a voice he heard only in his dreams nowadays 

"I'm looking for Constable Benton Fraser, is this the right address?" 

He froze momentarily, then moved silently to the doorway, making sure he was out of eyeline of his visitor. 

"Yes, this is the right address. And you are ...?" Fraser could hear the wariness in Cat's voice. His mind raced. Why did he come now?

"Detective Vecchio, Chicago PD. Is he home?" Ray's voice was curt and it made Fraser suddenly protective of Cat. 

Fraser stepped onto the porch and saw Ray framed by the outer door, his diminutive friend standing in front of him, barring Ray's entrance. 

"Yes, I'm here," he said as evenly as possible. 

"Hello, Fraser," Ray said, looking over Cat's head at him. 

"Hello Ray." He was surprised at the evenness of his voice. 

"How ya been Benny?" Ray's voice wavered slightly, Fraser noted with perverse pleasure.

"Fine thank you, Ray," he replied, the calmness in his voice belying the turmoil going on inside. 

"Ben?" He heard Cat say, her voice full of questions.

"It's OK Cat," he said without taking his eyes off Ray. 

Silently she moved aside and Ray stepped into the room. She shut the door behind him and stood looking between the two men.

"Ben?" he heard her asked again.

"Oh, I'm sorry." He jumped, as though he had just been slapped. "Cat, this is Detective Ray Vecchio. Ray, this is Constable Cathy Madden." 

The two shook hands and muttered greetings, both obviously unsure of each other and how to handle the situation. Fraser and Ray looked at each other again and Cat muttered something about going to work. The two men didn't move or speak as she put on her boots and gathered her belongings. 

She stepped in front of Fraser and reached a hand up to his shoulder. He slid his gaze down to her face and saw her eyes asking if he was OK. He smiled in reply and then kissed her softly. Only she could have read the excitement in his eyes. 

"I'll see you when I get home," she whispered and then she was gone. Both men watched as she left. 

"Girlfriend?" Ray asked in his offhand way. 

"We've known each other for a long time," Fraser replied, folding his arms across his chest defensively. Joy, anger and confusion fought with each other inside him as Ray spoke again. 

"That doesn't answer my question Fraser." Ray's tone was softer this time and it confused Fraser. 

He felt sick. Why was Ray asking these things of him? Why now? "What are you doing here Ray?" He demanded in a short, clipped tone as he turned and walked into the living room, jerking his hand for Ray to follow.

"I just wanna know if I'm wastin' my time Benny. " 

He whirled around to face Ray, his anger starting to win the fight "What!?"

"I was hoping there's still a chance for us. I never stopped loving you Benny," Ray blurted out and then stopped suddenly. 

The anger finally won and welled up inside Fraser. He lunged at Ray, hands gripping the front of his jacket and forcing him against the wall.

"Why now Ray!? What made you change your mind?" He snarled into his former lover's face. "I waited for weeks in Chicago and you never even called to see how I was. Instead you wait until I've been here six months and now you come here and tell me this." His voice grew dark and bitter. "Do you expect me to fall into your arms as if nothing happened? Am I supposed to forget the things you said?" Fraser's voice faltered and his eyes filled with tears. 

He released Ray, letting go as though the contact burned him, and crossed the room to the window. Leaning his forehead against the cool glass, he let the tears come. Tears of frustration and hurt. He couldn't believe Ray was here now, just when he was beginning to stop aching for him. Just when he thought he could live without him.

But now Ray was here, re-opening wounds that were finally beginning to heal and making him vulnerable all over again. Fraser didn't know if he could handle it; didn't know if he could survive this. He loved Ray too much. The scent of Ray filled nostrils, a sharp reminder of the physical attraction they had shared and it made his head reel. He felt Ray's presence behind him and then his hand on his shoulder. 

"Oh god I'm sorry, Benny." Ray's voice was full of pain. "You don't know how sorry I am. I didn't want to hurt you. It's taken me a long time to realise how much I love you. I denied it for a long time, I tried not to think about you, but now you're in my head all the time. I hate myself for what I did to you, I don't even know if I can make it up to you, but I'd like to try. I love you Benny, but if it's too late, just say the word and I'll leave." 

Fraser could feel Ray trembling through the hand on his shoulder. He wiped his eyes, wanting so very desperately to take Ray in his arms, but he was unable to move. The hand dropped from his shoulder.

"Jesus Benny, I'm dyin' here," Desperation crept into Ray's voice. "Do you want me to leave?" 

Fraser sighed deeply, as if he'd been holding his breath. He turned slowly and looked at his former lover. Ray's eyes were pleading and he was shaking visibly. 

"No, Ray, I don't want you to leave," he ground out in a low voice. 

Ray's relief showed in his eyes. "Can I take this jacket off now? It's like a sauna in here." Ray suddenly blurted, chuckling.

The mood in the room lightened a little. Until then, neither of them had noticed Ray still wore his down filled parka. 

Fraser watched as Ray took off his jacket, satisfied that he knew exactly how Ray's body looked under the layers of winter clothing. His lips parted slightly at the thought, the only sign of his feelings for the man in front of him. Ray stepped towards him and Fraser's heart pounded in his chest. 

"What happens now Benny?" Ray asked in a nervous voice. 

"Hold me." It was a demand. 

Ray stepped closer and the two men slipped silently, tentatively into each other's arms. Fraser's nerve endings were raw and his need for Ray so great that it almost hurt when they were finally touching. He took a deep breath and let it go, slowly, releasing months of stored emotions with it. Cheek to cheek, chest to chest, groin to groin they held each other and Fraser felt the last of the pain ebb slowly away. In that instant everything became perfect. 

When they finally separated Fraser could see tears on Ray's cheeks and slowly he moved both hands up to cradle Ray's head. He kissed him gently. 

"I've missed you," he said and pressed his lips to Ray's again. 

The kiss was long and intense, reaching right to Fraser's soul. Shaking slightly he let his hands wander over Ray's body, re-acquainting himself. Their kisses became more passionate and as he felt the unmistakable nudging of Ray's erection against his thigh, desire ripped through his body. 

"Oh god, Benny," Ray whispered in a ragged voice. 

"Ray, I thought I'd never ...." His voice trailed off as Ray's hands slipped under his shirt and touched bare skin. 

Suddenly their need became urgent and they separated long enough to shed their clothes quickly, letting them drop where they would. Fraser pulled Ray back against him. At the first touch of bare skin against bare skin, both men stilled. 

"I love you Ray." It was as simple as that. 

"I love you Benny." Ray whispered the words against his throat, before dropping to his knees. 

Fraser sucked in his breath at the feel of Ray's lips on his stomach. When Ray took his cock in his mouth he was sure he would pass out. He'd forgotten how good it felt, he'd forgotten so much. A low growl started in his throat as Ray's mouth slid along his shaft in ever increasing movements. It was too much too soon. 

"Ray .... no ....stop," he rasped. He saw a look of panic cross Ray's features as he pulled him to his feet and kissed his lips. "Not like this ... come to bed. His voice was thick with desire. 

Ray smiled at him, relief evident. "I thought you'd never ask." 

Leaving their clothes where they had fallen, Fraser led Ray upstairs by the hand. In the large comfortable room Fraser shared with Cat, the two men fell into a hungry embrace. Ray nudged Fraser onto the bed and pushed him backwards, covering his body with his own. Their mouths joined in a bruising kiss and their groins pressed together. 

Fraser felt Ray's hands everywhere and his head spun. His hands slid down to cup Ray's buttocks, pressing their erections hard against each other. He felt Ray's cock pulse and a sticky warmth spread between them. The feeling pushed him over the edge and he came quickly, his own sticky warmth joining Ray's in the space between their bodies. They were breathless.

"I'm sorry Benny, I couldn't ....." 

Fraser silenced him with a tender kiss. "Now that's out of the way we can make love." 

Fraser smiled and Ray's hand touched his cheek in reply, penis already stirring into life again. 

 

RAY'S STORY 

Ray was awake and staring at the clock by the bed. It read 505AM. He thought, somewhat bitterly, that it looked like SOS. He glanced briefly at the sleeping body beside him before lifting the covers and slipping silently from the bed. He dressed quickly, eager to be away from his lover. He held his breath as he crept out of the apartment and didn't breathe again until he was safe in the driver's seat of the Riv. 

This was the fifth morning in a row he'd snuck from his lover's bed, unable to face the cold light of morning, knowing his lover sensed the change in him. Sadly though, he knew he'd go through the motions again that night, unable to tell his lover and unwillingly to be the cause of anymore heartache. 

"Jesus," he muttered to himself. "Why did I let my life get so fucking complicated!" With tears of frustration in his eyes he turned the ignition key and headed for home, already thinking of the lie he would tell Louise when she asked why he had left so early again. 

Ray knew his mother would be in the kitchen when he got home, already preparing his breakfast. In the few months since he had moved back home she had become more sensitive to his needs than ever before. He guessed she was probably trying to make up for the time they had lost. He remembered the day he asked if he could come home, it was a bittersweet memory.... 

He had arrived at the house in the middle of the afternoon to find his mother stirring something on the stove. 

"Hello Raimondo," she said without turning around.

"Hi Ma," he replied and kissed her proffered cheek. 

"What's wrong, my boy?" she asked, turning and touching her fingers to his cheek.

"Nothing, Ma." 

"So you come here in the middle of the day for nothing?" 

He sighed and walked to the other side of the kitchen and leaned against the bench, arms folded protectively over his chest. She always knew, always. 

"It's over between Benny and me, Ma," he said looking at his feet.

"I know. For a long time I see you not wearing that ring. I'm glad, not for your pain, but I'm glad. I told you no good would come. Only men and women are meant to love each other like that." 

Ray listened to her words, but couldn't speak. Mostly, he thought, she had been right, but why then did he feel so bad? 

"Can I come home Ma?" he asked quietly. 

"Of course, Raimondo. You belong with your family." She crossed the room and pressed her son to her ample bosom. 

He had moved home that night and they never mentioned his relationship with Constable Benton Fraser again. He kept hidden from his mother the fact that he still wore the wedding ring Fraser had given him on a chain around his neck. 

He touched that same ring through the fabric of his shirt as he walked into the house.

"Raimondo?" Mrs Vecchio called from the kitchen.

"Yeah, Ma, I'm gonna take a shower," he replied, dashing for the stairs. He wasn't sure if he was ready to face his mother this morning. 

Safely locked in the bathroom he stared at himself in the mirror. 

"Whaddaya gonna do now, Vecchio?" he demanded of his reflection. He snorted angrily at himself and stepped into the shower. Once in the shower, with the warm water coursing over his body, Ray forced himself to think, really think about his predicament. 

Ray had been dating Louise for four or five months now, he couldn't remember for sure. When he had ended his relationship with Fraser he became obsessed and pursued her relentlessly, motivated more by the need to prove something to himself than love or lust, he admitted now. During those first weeks there had been a lot of sex, he'd never call it making love because it wasn't. For Ray, every orgasm had been a reinforcement of the fact that he had been right to break up with Fraser, that they were only friends and that he definitely wasn't in love with the Mountie. 

Now, months later, when the only way he could make love to Louise was by thinking of someone else, he had to admit the sad truth. He had lied to himself. He was still in love with Benton Fraser. 

Ray knew he had lied himself into a corner. He had nowhere to go. If he admitted his true feelings it would mean hurting Louise and alienating his family all over again, not to mention how it might affect his career. To deny his feelings would mean hurting only himself and it wasn't possible to hurt Fraser any more than he already had. So he chose to ignore his feelings and take the easy way out. Tonight, he admitted sadly, he would go through the motions and probably tomorrow night as well, there was no other way. He touched a soapy hand to the ring on a chain around his neck. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, not sure exactly who he was saying it to. Abruptly he turned the shower off. He didn't want to think anymore and the only way to stop that was to keep busy. He shaved and dressed and then raced downstairs. He kissed his mother and dashed out the door shouting behind him. 

"No time for breakfast, Ma. Gotta lead on a case and I gotta catch 'em while they're still in bed."

It was the same lie he was going to tell Louise. 

 

Over breakfast, far away from his family and his lover, in a diner that he had frequented with Fraser, Ray resumed his ruminations. He thought about the fire, almost a year ago now that marked the beginning of his relationship with Fraser. The love he had declared for his friend that night and the wonderful, satisfying relationship that developed had been so right, but foolishly he had let other peoples opinions sway him. It disgusted him how easily he had been able to justify ending it, how easily he had betrayed the man who loved him without question. 

He told Fraser he had confused the love of a friend with romantic love, that he'd simply made a mistake. He even believed it himself for a long time, until the day he walked into the squad room to see the unmistakable rear view of a Mountie uniform in Welsh's office. His stomach did a backflip, even though he knew instantly that it wasn't Fraser. That startled him. The realisation that he still remembered every inch of Fraser's body took his breath away so that he was staring, mouth agape, when the Mountie left Welsh's office and passed his desk. Before he could stop himself he was in Welsh's office. 

"Who was that?" he demanded. 

"A Mountie, Vecchio. I thought you'd recognise the uniform," Welsh quipped. 

"Very funny, *Sir*. I mean what's he doin' here?" 

"He's Fraser's replacement and he was ....." 

Ray cut him off suddenly. "Fraser's replacement? Where is he?" 

"I thought you knew, Vecchio, he went back to Canada months ago." Welsh's voice softened as he realised the blunder he had made. 

Ray leaned heavily against the doorframe. "I had no idea ...." his voice trailed off. 

"I'm sorry, Ray, I assumed you knew." 

"No." Shaking his head, he turned and wandered back to his desk with his head swimming. 

Had he been the reason Fraser returned to Canada, he wondered. He couldn't understand why it bothered him so much, after all, he had been the one to end their relationship. That night he had cancelled his date with Louise and went home early to be alone with his thoughts. 

Since that day he had been unable to get Fraser out of his head. He began to feel him everywhere and hear his voice in his head. There were times Ray was even sure he could smell Fraser in his nostrils. After a while he learned to live with it, to keep it under control. 

Ray's feelings changed irreversibly, though, one night at Louise's apartment when he imagined the mouth working on his cock to be Fraser's and not Louise's. The image and its significance shook him to the core. The next morning he left Louise's bed long before she woke and had done so every morning since. That had been a week ago. 

Ray downed the last of his coffee and with a sad sigh, headed off to work for another day of pretending. 

The phone on Ray's desk was ringing as he stormed into the bullpen. He snatched it up, certain he knew who would be on the other end.

"Vecchio!" he growled into the receiver. 

"Hi sweetheart." It was Louise, as expected. "You left early again." 

Was there a note of accusation in her voice? 

"Yeah, I had a lead on the Brewster case, gotta catch these bastards while they're still in bed." He laughed nervously 

"I just wanted to check you're OK?" Her voice was full of concern, not reprimand.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Louise," he snapped, his guilt making him angry. 

"OK, well I have to go to work. Will I see you tonight?" 

"No, I don't think so. I gotta spend some time with my family." It wasn't really a lie, Ray justified. 

"Oh." He heard the disappointment in her voice. "OK then." 

When no demand came he felt even guiltier and he lightened his tone. "Listen, honey, how about tomorrow night we get dressed up and go somewhere special?"

"I'd like that, Ray." The happiness in Louise's voice made him feel better. 

"Good, I'll call you tomorrow." 

They said their goodbyes and Ray hung up, angry with himself again, but vowing he would show Louise a good time tomorrow night. After all, he had a day and a half to work himself up to it. 

 

That night Ray took a drive before he went home and he wasn't surprised when the Riv took him to 221 West Racine. It had been nearly a year since Fraser had lived there, but it was the only place he could feel close to Benny again. He went into the foyer, the familiar smells bringing back many happy memories. He didn't see Mr Mustafi on the stairs. 

"Hello Detective Vecchio." 

Ray spun around when he heard the voice. "Hello Mr Mustafi, how are you?" he asked, trying to hide his embarrassment at being caught there.

"Very well. I had a Christmas card from Constable Fraser last week," the old man said, smiling. 

"That's nice." Ray shifted uncomfortably. "I have to go now sir, it was nice to see you." 

The old man smiled at him. "Goodbye." 

Ray nodded his goodbye and started to leave, but was halted by Mr Mustafi's voice. 

"I miss him too, Detective." 

Ray got out of there as quickly as he could and headed straight for home, cursing himself for going there and cursing himself for his weakness. 

Ray was silent through dinner; ignoring Francesca's taunts and trying to avoid his mother's all seeing stares. As soon as he could, he escaped to the sanctity of his bedroom, hoping to find some peace in indulging in thoughts of his former lover. 

He had no mementos of their time together, no photos, and no unreturned items of clothing. He had effectively wiped all traces of the Mountie from his life. Except for the wedding ring on the chain around his neck. That was his only link to a past he now cherished. Almost reverently, he slipped his ring onto his finger and settled back against his pillows, replaying scenes from his life with Benny until he fell into a fitful sleep. 

 

Ray kept his promise to Louise and took her out for dinner the next night. They ate in an expensive restaurant and then went to a nightclub to listen to some jazz. He enjoyed the evening far more than he had expected, thinking maybe he had exorcised the ghost that had haunted him and maybe he could cope with the lie his life had become. He even initiated the lovemaking at Louise's apartment, maybe to test himself, he wasn't sure. 

 

Ray's chest tightened as Louise lay stretched out in front of, covered only by wisps of black lace. She had gone to a great deal of trouble to please him to entice him. He joined her on the bed, kissing her throat. Her hands gripped at his hair as his mouth moved down her body. 

"Oh Ray," she moaned. 

He froze. At that precise moment he realised he had no desire whatsoever for the woman under him. A groan escaped his lips and Louise mistook it for passion, moving her hands in the direction of Ray's groin. He caught her wrists in one hand and held them so she couldn't touch him. He didn't want her to find the evidence of his lack of desire. 

He continued to move his mouth over her body, trying desperately to lull himself into some sort of arousal. He moved his hand to stroke his flaccid cock, summoning up as many fantasy images as he could, but nothing worked. He felt sick. He refused to use the one image he knew would work. He was not going to use the memory of his beloved Benny to enable him to fuck someone else. 

Lying down beside Louise he moved his hand to the moistness between her legs and used his fingers to bring her to a quick orgasm. As she panted in his arms he tried not to let her see his distaste. She deserved that, at least. At that moment he hated himself intensely. 

Louise's hand travelled the length of his body and fluttered over his lifeless penis. 

"Ray....?" 

"I'm sorry, Louise." He rolled away from her, pushing her hands away. "Maybe I drank too much." It disgusted him how easy it had become to lie to her. 

"It's OK, it happens sometimes." 

Her arms went around him and Ray shuddered. Deftly, he slipped out of her embrace and swung his legs over the side of the bed. 

"I think I'd better go," he said with his back to her. 

"You don't have to leave." 

Absently, Ray wondered if she thought he was embarrassed by his supposed impotence. He almost laughed with the irony of it. That morning he had woken rock-hard from dreams of Fraser.

"I know," he agreed. "But I think I'd rather be alone." 

Her smile told him she understood and it was OK. He smiled weakly back at her, letting her think whatever she needed to. He dressed silently and kissed her on the forehead, leaving Louise's bed for the last time. He would not go back.

 

The Vecchio household was in darkness when Ray got home. He crept into the kitchen and made some peppermint tea. He smiled when he thought how he would never have drunk it before he met Fraser. Carrying his tea into the living room, he leaned against a window, enjoying the silence in a house that was rarely quiet. He felt sick with guilt about what had taken place at Louise's apartment and he knew it was time to end it. It was too cruel to continue to string her along like this. She deserved better. And he deserved to be alone.

A movement behind him interrupted his thoughts and he turned to see his mother on the stairs coming towards him. 

"Raimondo?" 

"Hi, Ma. I just got home. Sorry I woke you" 

"I thought you'd be with Louise," she said joining Ray in the dim light shining in through the window.

"I wanted to be at home." He smiled sideways at his mother, glad for the dimness. He didn't want her to see his what was in his eyes.

"Are you OK, my boy?"

"Yeah, Ma." He looked out the window. "I got a lot on my mind, that's all." 

"Is it Benton?" Mrs Vecchio asked, softly.

"Ma!" His head snapped around to look at his mother. Her face showed no expression and he could not tell what she was thinking. 

"Is it Benton, Raimondo?" she asked again, more firmly. 

A muscle twitched in his cheek. "I don't wanna talk about this." He put his cup down on the windowsill and made for the stairs.

"Answer me, Raimondo. Is it Benton?" Her voice was calm, but insistent. 

Ray's shoulders dropped, he couldn't hide anything from his mother and he was tired of trying. He was tired of the deceit. He let out a long sigh and walked back to the window, joining his mother in the light once again. He stared out onto the street.

"Yeah Ma, it's Benny," he whispered, afraid to meet her eyes. 

The second that passed before she responded seemed interminable. Mrs Vecchio drew a long breath and let it go, her words seemingly dragged from the depths of great pain. 

"Then go to him, Son." 

Ray almost could not believe his ears. "What?" he demanded, his head turning to meet his mother's heavy stare.

"Do you think I'm blind, Son? For months you've been seeing Louise. I like her very much. If you married her I would be very happy." Her voice gentled and she touched a hand to Ray's arm. "But you would not be. I can see you don't love her. She doesn't make you happy.... not like Benton did." Mrs Vecchio's hand slid up to cup Ray's cheek. "You're my only son and I love you. I want for you to be happy. If Benton makes you happy then go to him." 

Ray was shocked, this was the last thing he expected. The last thing he thought he would hear from his mother's lips. 

"But Ma, you said ...." 

She put up a hand to silence him. "That was a year ago. I'm not so old that I can't learn things, Raimondo. Benton loved you. I could see that." She smiled sweetly. "He is a good man and he made my son very happy."

Ray smiled shyly. "Yeah, Ma, he made me very happy." 

"Then go to him." 

That night Ray slept soundly for the first time in many months. 

 

The next morning Ray was at work early, waiting impatiently for the arrival of Elaine Bresbriss. He smiled at the surprise on her face when she arrived. 

"You're early, Vecchio."

"Yeah, Elaine, I need you to do something for me. A favour." He grinned goofily at her. 

"Oh yeah?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "What is it?" 

"Find Fraser." Ray watched her expression change, feeling a little bad because he knew she still felt guilty about what had happened. 

"No problem, Ray." 

Within an hour she was at Ray's desk with an address in Riverhurst, Saskatchewan and a map of the area. 

"How did you get this so fast Elaine?" 

"Don't ask. Just know that I'm really looking forward to my date with Constable Turnbull." They both laughed as she walked back to her desk. 

"Elaine!" he called after her. "Thank you kindly." He grinned when she glanced back at him over her shoulder.

"Oh, one more thing, Ray," Elaine said as she reached her desk. "By all accounts, Fraser isn't living alone.". 

The look of happiness fell from his face. He hadn't considered the possibility of Fraser being involved with anyone else. In a fit of panic he launched himself towards Welsh's office to demand leave. He had to get to Canada right away. He entered without knocking.

"Lieutenant, I need some time off," he stated, without preamble. 

"Sure, Vecchio, we can work something out. Fill in a leave request and I'll look at the schedule." 

"I need to go now, Sir," Ray replied, matter-of-factly.

"Now? But you specifically requested you work over Christmas." 

"I know, but something important's come up sir. I have to go to Canada." Ray looked at the wall above Welsh's head, trying not to appear as desperate as he was.

"Canada, eh?" 

"Yes, Sir." Ray still avoided eye contact. 

"Does this have anything to do with a certain Mountie?" 

Who was he kidding? Welsh knew him well enough to know how he felt. "Everything, Sir," Ray answered, looking his superior straight in the eye. 

"Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do." 

"Thank you kindly, Sir." Ray left the office, pretending not to notice Welsh shaking his head. 

 

When Ray came out of Welsh's office, Elaine handed him a message from Louise. He gulped and Elaine patted his arm sympathetically. It was time to face the music. He knew he had to tell Louise something, to find a decent way to end it. He didn't really want to tell her about Fraser. He picked up the phone and called her, making plans to see her that night. He would know the right thing to tell her by then. 

By the end of the day Welsh had reshuffled the rosters and given Ray two weeks off. Ray spent a large part of the afternoon making arrangements. He hired a Range Rover to be safe, unsure of how remote Fraser's home was. He didn't want to risk taking the Riv into the icy wilderness. He raced home to tell his mother of his plans and after a quick meal he drove over to Louise's apartment. 

His heart was heavy as he knocked at her door. The feeling worsened when she opened the door, rewarding him with a smile full of love. He kissed her cheek and she led him into the living room. He barely spoke while she opened a bottle of wine and handed him a glass. Finally, when she was seated beside him he began. 

"Louise, we have to talk." He ran a hand through his hair. "I have to tell you something.". 

She looked at him with frightened eyes and he turned away, staring at the glass he twisted nervously in his hand. He hated doing this to her.

"Wh....what about, Ray?"

He raised his eyes to meet hers and spoke in a tired, sad voice. "I can't do this anymore." 

"What.....?" 

"I'm sorry, Louise. I can't see you anymore. We have to stop this."

"Because of last night? That doesn't matter, Ray, I told you that, it happens to everyone." The rising panic in Louise's voice was unmistakable.

He sighed, leaning back against the sofa. "It's more than that, Louise, much more." 

Ray sat helplessly as tears formed in her eyes and ran down her face. He could offer her no comfort. 

"Why, Ray? Is it something I've done?" 

"No, it's me. I shouldn't have started this thing with you. It was for all the wrong reasons." He leaned over and put his glass down on the coffee table. "I'm so sorry, Louise," he murmured in a barely audible voice. 

A strangled sob escaped her throat and her tears ran freely. "I, I don't understand, Ray. I thought you loved me." 

Ray rubbed his hands over his face. This was the part of the conversation he feared most. "I'm sorry, it's, it's.....it's just not gonna work." 

"Why, Ray? I need to know why." Her voice was a thin whisper.

Ray dared not meet her eyes. "No, Louise, you don't need to know why." Still avoiding her eyes, he rose to his feet and turned his back to her. "I'm sorry. It's probably better if I just leave." 

He walked towards the door, but was stopped by Louise. She leapt from the sofa and grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face her. 

"No, don't go. I need some answers, Ray." Her face was closed off and her voice became hard and demanding. "You started this! You pursued me. What happened?" She gripped his arm and held him firmly, staring into his eyes.

"Louise, please don't do this," Ray pleaded. " I never meant to hurt you, you gotta know that. I'm so sorry." He dropped his eyes, unable to look at her any longer. "Please, just let me go." 

"Is there someone else?" she demanded, more harshly this time. 

Ray drew a deep breath and let it out on a long sigh. He couldn't lie about this. He owed Louise something, some sort of explanation. He stepped away from her and this time she let him go, her fears confirmed by his expression.

"Yes," he whispered, "there is someone else." He collected his coat and slipped it onto his shoulders, waiting for the question he knew would come next.

"Who is it?" she demanded through tears that seemed to be as much from anger as pain. 

Ray almost laughed. How do you tell a woman you are leaving her because of another man? "Believe me, Louise, you don't want to know." 

He waited for her next demand, but when none came he whispered a goodbye and moved to the door. Casting a final glance over his shoulder, he saw Louise still standing in the middle of her living room, arms hanging loosely at her sides. Hastily he opened the door and stepped into the hallway, fighting the urge to break into a run. Relief flooded through him and he hated himself for it.

A day later, only a week before Christmas, Ray was on his way to Canada. 

 

In the late afternoon Ray brought his hired Range Rover to a halt in the main street of Moose Jaw, taking just a moment to consult his map and collect his thoughts before driving the final 50 miles or so to Fraser's home in Riverhurst. Fraser's home. The thought struck him as odd. He had always thought of the tiny apartment in Chicago as Fraser's home, not this wild, open place he saw around him. 

And who is the person he shares his home with, Ray wondered. Is it a lover? Is it a man or a woman? He shuddered, not wanting to think about the possibilities. He had made the decision to come, to seek resolution for his feelings, and he had to accept whatever fate dealt him. He only hoped fate would be kind although, Ray knew, he did not deserve it. Finally, with a mixture of excitement and trepidation he started the car and headed out of town, still not knowing what he would say to Fraser. 

When he found what he thought was the right address he brought his vehicle to a stop at the top of the driveway and cast his eyes admiringly over the large house in front of him. It was just the sort of place he had imagined. Taking a deep calming breath, he continued down the driveway. Ray parked and sat for just a minute to centre himself, knowing that what occurred in the next few minutes would affect the rest of his life. 

His heart pounded as he mounted the steps. He thought he could hear voices inside, but they could have been inside his head for all he knew at that moment. He raised his hand to the door, took a deep breath and then knocked firmly and confidently. 

From inside the house he heard a woman's voice. "I'll go." 

Ray cursed under his breath. So Fraser lived with a woman? It seemed an eternity before the door opened and the owner of the voice appeared in front of him.

"Hi." 

Ray stared at the woman in front of him. She was small, maybe a foot shorter than him with long brown hair and bright blue eyes. He thought she looked almost like a female Fraser, dressed in jeans and one of those flannel shirts he favoured. 

Finally Ray found his voice. "I'm looking for Constable Benton Fraser. Is this the right address?" 

She stared at Ray, almost as though she was inspecting him. A wave of panic washed over him. Did she know who he was? 

"Yes, this is the right address. And you are?" 

The smile had left her face and Ray was sure her voice seemed a little wary. Or was it just his paranoia? He flashed his badge, giving the illusion of a man in control. 

"Detective Vecchio, Chicago PD. Is he here?" 

She knew, Ray could tell by her face. He tried to quell his panic, wondering how someone with his experience as a Detective in one of the toughest crime zones anywhere could be so intimidated by a woman nearly a foot shorter than him. 

From the depths of the house, Ray heard the voice of his former lover. "Yes, I'm here" 

He looked over the head of the woman in front of him to see Fraser standing in a doorway behind her. He nearly fainted at the sight. Fraser looked better than he remembered, dressed in jeans and one of those damned flannel shirts that only looked good on him, with a flush on his cheeks that made Ray think he had just come in from spending time outdoors. 

"Hello Fraser," he said, trying to sound cool, but almost hyperventilating. 

"Hello Ray." 

He was stunned by the calmness in Fraser's voice. How could he be so calm? 

"How ya been, Benny?" he asked, thinking that he sounded like an idiot. 

"Fine thank you, Ray." His voice was still calm. 

Then the woman spoke. "Ben?" 

Ray flinched. He had only ever heard Victoria call him that. Jealousy flamed within him. Who is this woman, he wondered in the long moments he stood there.

"It's OK, Cat," Fraser replied, his eyes never leaving Ray's. 

The woman stepped aside, allowing Ray to enter. He heard the door close behind him, but he still did not take his eyes from his former lover. 

The woman looked at Fraser. "Ben?" Her voice grew insistent.

Fraser gave a startled jump and then he introduced them. Constable Cathy Madden? A Mountie? Ray stared at her. But who is she? A million questions whirled in his head. Then she rose onto her toes and kissed Fraser, saying something about going to work. 

Ray watched, unable to move, as Fraser returned her kiss. All he could do was observe their easy intimacy. There was no mistake, he realised with something approaching panic, they were definitely intimate. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he thought to himself, suddenly reminded of some crummy English actor in a bad film he had seen once. Neither he nor Fraser spoke until the woman had left the house. 

As soon as the door had whispered shut Ray spoke. "Girlfriend?" he asked, trying to sound casual, as if the answer didn't matter. 

"We've known each other for a long time." 

Fraser's tone was defensive and Ray wasn't surprised. He knew he sounded like a jerk. 

"That doesn't answer my question, Fraser," he said, really wanting to scream 'what the fuck does that mean?' 

While Ray waited for Fraser's answer he realised, with relief, that at least he had not been thrown out yet.

"What are you doing here, Ray?" Fraser asked in an even, calm voice. 

Ray couldn't read anything into his former lover's expression and for a moment he was lost. Fraser turned into the living room, gesturing for him to follow. He walked closely behind, eyes drinking in the familiar places at the back of Fraser's neck, fingers itching with the need to touch. He was close enough to smell Fraser's sharp scent and it undid him. Ray wanted him. 

"I just wanna know if I'm wastin' my time, Benny," he blurted out suddenly and then cringed. Why did he say that? I've blown it, he thought to himself, I sound like a jerk. Shit! 

"What!?" Fraser whirled around to stare at him with a look Ray couldn't decipher. 

Was it anger? Or did he see a trace of what they had once shared? 

Ray gulped. "I was hoping there's still a chance for us. I never stopped loving you, Benny." 

Fraser lunged at him, gripping his jacket and slamming him against the wall, forcing his breath from his lungs. Fraser yelled at him. Ray didn't hear his words, but he felt his anger and pain. Just hit me, Benny, he thought, just hit me and stop this feeling going on inside me. Go on, just hit me. 

Then suddenly Fraser released him, turning away to the window. Ray saw tears in his eyes. He followed, placing a hand on Fraser's shoulder, wanting desperately to hold him, to wipe away the tears but knowing the touch would probably not be welcomed. 

Ray didn't know what to do next, so he started to talk, apologising, saying things as they popped into his head. He hoped he made sense and hoped that Benny understood. The solid back under his hand gave away nothing and when Fraser didn't react, Ray eventually let his hand drop. 

"Jesus, Benny, I'm dyin' here." He ground out in a low, scared voice. "Do you want me to leave?" 

The words hung between them and ice ages came and went before Fraser turned to face him, eyes still wet with tears. 

"No, Ray, I don't want you to leave." Fraser's voice was low and husky, like it hurt to say the words. 

Relief flooded through Ray as he looked at the man in front of him. The man he would love for the rest of his life. The man he had almost lost. Suddenly hot, he realised he still wore his down-filled parka. He made a joke and then removed it, laying it across a chair. Nervously, he took a step towards Fraser. 

"What happens now Benny?" he asked, sick with fear and not sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

"Hold me," Fraser demanded.

Ray didn't hesitate and in a heartbeat they were in each other's arms, albeit a little anxiously. It seemed like forever that they held each other. Ray drank in the smell of Fraser's skin, the smell he thought he'd never smell again. Then, miraculously, Fraser kissed him.

"I've missed you," Fraser said.

Ray thought it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever said to him. Then Fraser's mouth was on his again and he lost any chance of a coherent thought. Somehow they got naked, somehow Ray was taking Benny's cock in his mouth. Then a feeling of dread washed over him as Fraser stopped him. 

"Not like this.... come to bed," his lover whispered in a voice full of promise.

Then they were upstairs in a bedroom. Whose bed was this? Whose house was this? Ray pondered those questions for a moment and then he didn't care anymore. Somehow he ended up laying pressed naked against his lover, unable to hold back the orgasm that built deep within him. Then he realised Benny couldn't hold back either and nothing mattered anymore except for what they shared. 

When his breathing steadied smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Benny, I couldn't ..." 

But before he could apologise further Fraser kissed him tenderly and whispered into his ear. 

"Now that's out of the way we can make love." 

Ray sighed and rested his head on Benny's chest, overcome by the depths of emotion that passed between them. 

"There's so much I want to say to you, Benny." 

Ray stroked his lover's chest, relishing the feel of the silky smooth skin he thought he would never touch again. His hand slipped lower, brushing against Fraser's groin. 

"You can tell me later," Fraser replied, huskily as he pushed Ray over onto his back, leaning over him on one elbow. 

Fraser smiled down at him and Ray's heart swelled with love. He gently stroked the fine hair on Ray's chest, then slowly trailed his hand lower until he was stroking his thighs. His lips grazed against Ray's chest, making him sigh with contentment. Fraser's mouth moved lower, sucking, kissing, nibbling, tasting the saltiness on Ray's belly and Ray thought he had died and gone to heaven.

Fraser's hand cupped Ray's balls, causing him to draw his knees up, then shifted the grip to his growing erection. Ray hardened instantly in his lover's hand and Fraser moaned against his belly then moved quickly to engulf Ray's cock in his mouth. Ray lifted his head to take in the sight. He watched fascinated as his now aching cock slid into his lover's mouth. He was too close again. He didn't want to come yet. 

Using all his strength he reached down and pulled Fraser up over him, then flipped him over onto his back. Before Fraser could object, Ray covered his mouth with his own and reached for his cock at the same time. Fraser groaned into his mouth and Ray felt his cock throb in his hand 

"Please," Benny pleaded in a strangled voice as Ray moved down to engulf his throbbing erection. 

With agonising slowness Ray slid his lips down the creamy shaft, Fraser bucking against his mouth. He fell into a steady rhythm, one hand cupping Fraser's balls and the other pumping his own erection as his mouth continued its maddening movements. He sensed when Fraser was close to coming and stopped suddenly. Fraser let out a strangled cry as Ray slid up his body and kissed his throat, pressing their cocks together. 

Ray lifted his head and looked into Fraser's passion glazed eyes. "Fuck me, Benny," he rasped. 

Fraser didn't need to be asked twice. In one swift movement he flipped Ray over onto his stomach and straddled him from behind, his cock bumping the cheeks of Ray's ass. Ray grit his teeth, fighting to hold on, as Fraser pulled him to his knees and began to stroke him. 

Ray sucked in his breath as he felt Fraser part his asscheeks and lick him. He tried to steady himself, waiting patiently as Fraser reached into a drawer for lubricant. He gasped again when his lover's fingers slide into him and he felt a sense of loss when they slid from his body. An instant later he felt the head of Fraser's cock slide into him, slow, achingly slow until he was buried to the hilt. Fraser bent over him and nuzzled at the back of his neck 

"So good, Benny ...." Ray ground out, the end of the sentence lost as Fraser gripped his hips and drew out, then in again.

"Oh, Ray .... you feel ...." Fraser's voice trailed off.

Ray reached behind for his lover's hand. "Touch me, Benny." 

Fraser's hand encircled his cock in a vice-like grip and he timed the movement of his hand to his thrusting. Ray bucked between the two sensations, a cry of pleasure forcing out between his lips. Suddenly Fraser gripped Ray's hips and thrust a final time, filling Ray with his seed. The pulsations within his body took Ray to the brink of his tolerance and he came forcefully in Benny's hand, letting out a wail as he did. 

The room was suddenly still and quiet and both men collapsed onto the bed, pulling each other close. Tears escaped Ray's eyes and trickled down his face. Benny brushed them away, kissing his eyelids gently. 

"I love you, Benny. I'm so sorry for what I did to you." 

"Sshh, Ray. It's over now. I love you and that's all that matters." 

"But what about ...." Ray wasn't even sure what he had been going to say, but he felt there was much to be said, still much that he had to tell his lover.

"We've got plenty of time to talk later," Fraser replied, pressing his lips to the tender spot where neck joins shoulder. 

Ray shuddered slightly and accepted the caress. The sky outside grew dark and he nestled against his lover, suddenly weary. A great deal had passed between them and there was still a great deal more to come. But for the moment they were content.

But something still niggled at Ray and he could not rest until he had an answer. 

"Just one question, Benny?" 

"Yes, Ray?" his sleepy lover whispered into the darkness that engulfed them.

"Whose bed is this?" 

Fraser chuckled in a hearty way that Ray had never heard before. "Oh, it's a long story ...." he replied enigmatically, drawing Ray to him and kissing him in a way that made him forget what he'd asked in the first place. 

EPILOGUE

CAT'S STORY

Constable Cathy Madden was eager to finish work and get home and not just because she had worked the midnight to dawn shift. She was anxious to learn what had taken place between her oldest and dearest friend and his lover. 

It was still dark as she turned into the driveway of the large rural property she had called home for over 15 years. She noted, with relief, that the black Range Rover that had brought Ray Vecchio to Canada was still parked in the same spot. 

Ray's timing could not have been better. Ben had been too close to the edge this time and she didn't think even she would have been able to help him this time. She knew Fraser was not aware of how much he still talked about Ray and she never pointed it out to him. For the six months since Ben had come home she had been waiting for Ray to show up. She always knew he would, but she never discussed it with Ben. 

This was just of one many things she knew instinctively but never told Ben. Once, when they had first met, she told him that they were soul mates and had known each other in previous lives. His reaction had been to smile and tell her what the Inuit believe about the after-life. She never mentioned it again, but she knew it to be true. Just as she knew Ray would come for him. As she mounted the steps and entered the house, she wondered what the past evening had held for the two men. 

In the living room Cat smiled when she found the pile of clothing obviously discarded in haste. With almost maternal care she folded each item and divided them into piles Ben's and Ray's. In the kitchen she found evidence of a meal prepared and eaten, but not cleaned up. A chuckle escaped her lips as she surveyed the mess, a jar of mayonnaise with the lid off, a half-eaten sandwich, a dirty plate in the sink, a half drunk cup of coffee. It had been a long, long time since she had known Ben to leave dishes unwashed and food not put away. She imagined them unable to keep their hands off each other, abandoning their meal for something infinitely more satisfying. Smiling broadly, she prepared herself a snack and some tea and wondered exactly where in the house she would find the two obviously naked men. 

As the sky began to lighten Cat became drowsy and headed upstairs, needing to sleep now. She opened the door to her bedroom and what she saw made her chest tighten with love and brought tears of joy to her eyes. Ben and Ray were asleep, the bedside lamp throwing a pool of soft light over them. Ben lay on his back, with Ray in the crook of his arm, head on Ben's chest and one arm draped over his body. Ben's free arm was flung over his head in a pose of reckless abandon that Cat had never seen before. Both men's cheeks were flushed with a look that showed they had been loved completely. 

Something made Ray stir, maybe her presence, and Fraser brought his free arm down to pull Ray closer against him. Tears stung her eyes as she contemplated the two very different men, one fair-skinned and solid, the other olive-skinned and slight, but somehow perfect together. 

Many, many times over the years she had watched Ben sleep, but never had she seen him like this. Somehow he looked complete, as if all his features had shifted slightly into a position that suited him better. There was a finality about him, as if he had found what he had been looking for. It showed on his face as a look of surrender, bliss and true love. Suddenly everything made sense to Cat and she left silently, shutting the door behind her. 

She smiled as she wiped the tears from her eyes and headed for the guest bedroom that had been prepared and waiting for many months now. Tomorrow was soon enough to tell Vecchio that if he ever hurt Ben again she would kill him.

THE END 

 

 


End file.
